Horny Animals

People get so worked up about the strangest things: like Horny Gay Animal Sex. And I dont mean that in the euphemistic sense. Some animals really like going to Brokeback Mountain. But it is kinda silly for people to get upset about the new exhibit at the Museum of Natural History, Oslo, Norway, called Against Nature.

Seriously, people who eat animals really cannot take the high road when it comes to how other animals should live. Oh- the irony of it all.

Prude: These people should go to hell.
Me: Why?
Prude: Because we should not be exposing our kids to this kind of shit.
Me: Whose kids?
Prude: Kids in general.
Me: I dont mind my kids learning about how animals fuck each other, we have internet. They've seen worse.
Prude: I am not talking to you.
Me: Oh dont run away, cant we be friends?
Prude: Wifey, kids, lets go to lunch.
Wife: Let's go to Nando's.
Me: Do you kids know that a lot of animals taste like chicken?
Kids: They do?
Me: And you know why?
Kids: Why?
Me: Because a lot of them like to eat cock.
Prude: Why you... (chasing after me)

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum

With lyrics and music from Stephen Sondheim you cant really go wrong.

The kids at International School KL are unsurprisingly talented. That much I expected and the forgiving crowd could do worse. For RM15, I thought it was a steal! From the sweeping show tunes to epic production sets, crazy costume designs to the cast and crew of more than 40, it had all the elements of a great musical. In a word: VeryCamp.

From the moment Pseudolus (George Zahir Mawji Bull, great voice effortless acting) came on stage announcing that it is indeed comedy tonite, the audience was hooked. The story set in Rome revolves around lovers, politicians, courtesans, slaves, eunuchs, bumbling soldiers, cross dressing, disguises and mistaken identity (intentional), with, as divulged in the opening number: of course a happy ending.

Pseudolus, a slave wanting to be "Free" struck up a bargain with his master's young son, Hero (Drew Leusner, suitably awkward): Freedom in exchange for the love of his life. Concocting one scheme after another, the deft Pseudolus masterminded the whole affair: First by seeking out the fair virgin, Philia (Elissa Daniels, whose got the looks and the voice to carry "Lovely") who apparently lives in the notorious House of Marcus Lycus (Ankit Panda, being unclean was never so funny) with his bevy of nefarious beauties, comprising among others, a belly dancer, gemini twins and a dominatrix. Thereafter, Pseudolus tricks Lycus into thinking that she has the plague, diagnosed by her incessant smiling, quipping that the whole of Crete was full of people lying and smiling.

Conveniently, Hero's parents, Senex (Andrew Chiw, who apprently looks like moi) the senator and his wife, Domina (Shruti Sehgal, who effectively brought bad singing, though completely in tune, into higher art) have gone to the country thus leaving the Chief Slave, Hysterium (Reihan Nadarajah, who relishly plays quite possibly the gayest character on the show) in charge of the household.

Alas Hero and Philia, whose sole talent is being lovely, cannot be together because she has been sold to Miles Gloriosus (Balazs Szabo, undiscovered potential perhaps), a pompous narcissitic violent captain. Thus, a plan is hatched to fake Philia's death, with a sleeping potion (courtesy of the reluctant accomplice Hysterium who apparently is an erotic pottery collector) ala Romeo and Juliet. The plan foils though as Philia is a religious Cretin and refuses to drink the wine (which has been spiked). In the meantime, she takes refuge in Senex's house.

Imagine Pseudolus' and Hysterium's shock when Senex returns earlier than expected. Philia duped into thinking that Senex is Captain Gloriosus and Senex conned into thinking she is the new maid (because "Everybody Oughta Have A Maid") hired to satisfy his every whim caused Hero much anxiety even as the real Gloriosus is fast approaching.

With no bride to speak of and the contract for the sale of Philia paid for, Lycus decides to move his entourage of kinky gals to Senex's house, while Pseudolus assumes his identity. To make matters worse, Domina returns suspecting that her husband is up to something, as she puts it: low. To do so, she disguises herself as a blonde maiden in a flowing white robe.

Luckily, Senex is preparing to take Philia at his absent neighbour's house, Erroneus (Synovve Eriksen) who has been searching for his long lost children who are only recognizable by their matching rings, engraved with at least a gaggle of seven geese.

Time for plan B: find a body double to fool Gloriosus in the form of a dead cross dressing Hysterium, donning a blonde wig and white flowing robe. Upon his arrival, Gloriosus was at first angry that his bride-to-be was nowhere to be found and later, grief stricken that his betrothed is dead. But when he wants his bride to be cremated, it was the last straw for Hysterium who stirs from his reluctant demise. And a keystone chase sequence ensues.

Finding no way out, Pseudolus confesses that he has fooled everyone and vows to kills himself (which he unsuccessfully faked by drinking the sleeping potion). Thus the masquerade is revealed and all is put right. Or so it seems. But just as Gloriosus gets his paws on his would-be bride, Erroneus discovers that Gloriosus and Philia both have the geese rings, meaning that they are brother and sister. Eww.

Thus, finally Hero claims his true love Philia, Erroneus is united with his family, Senex reconciles with his wife (claiming that he could see through her disguise as the fair Philia) and Pseudolus (having drank a passion potion instead of the sleeping potion) became a slave once again, keeping the promise: Comedy Tonight/A Happy Ending.

Democracy

I believe in Democracy more than any other type of government. But Democracy is not always possible or even feasible. I believe it only works if the vox populi truly care about the nation and willing to learn from their mistakes. If you have a country full of idiots who do not give a damn about what happens to them then they will elect one of themselves.

A true leader must carve out his moment in history. Sometimes situations arise which compels such leaders to come forward but these only occur in times of crises. In times of peace, it takes even more courage to rock the boat. But it is when the waters are still that is the time for us to take a chance and leap into the water and swim to the great shore, instead of paddling or waiting for the wind to change.

Ooh. Enough metaphor.

Faking It

I sometimes wonder how can people claim not to know where their money came from? If I came into a bit of money and gave it to my parents, they would ask me where it was from. Besides, if I knew that they would not approve of it, I would not let them come near the money. Is it really ethical to let your parents sow the seeds of your evil deeds?

Corporate governance is a key issue in today’s corporations but the regulators are too stupid to distinguish between sensitive information and trade secrets. In any business, intelligence is as important as operations. Many disclosure requirements are arbitrary and in the end time wasters.

In another story, a man who was supposed to get married discovered that he was already married with one child. It is a mystery how the NRD can make such blunders when presumably the MyKad is a secure and impenetrably encoded that it would be hard for any one to fake it. But there you go.

Sorry: From one Statesman to Another

I believe in freedom of expression. When I say this I mean anything verbal or action which does not physically harm others. I believe insults are okay but lies about others are not. Besides what people say is very different from what they do mostly. What a bind have Former PM Lee and Current PM Badawi have gotten into. Personally, I think Badawi can afford to be more gracious. The Chinese have never been marginalised. On the contrary, they have been very good at seizing opportunity when other Malaysians have merely stood still.

Without this race Malaysia would not be where it is today. We are not like other countries. Even the United States of America (USA) had the unspoken commonality of being a Christian country. We are a melting pot (or politically correct: salad) of cultures. As in any other culture, there will be dominant one and others relegated to behind the scenes. Race has always been used as a politically button in this country. I doubt anyone can deny ever thinking that if they were of a different race, things would be different. Some have even wished that they are white and lament the situation of their African American brethren’s situation in the USA, in private. So, among friends, we can say and do things that may sound racist or inciteful. But let us not take things out of context, these are off-the-cuff comments and should be treated as such.

What we should really be asking is this: Why are we so hung up on our skin colour? I doubt that in 1,000 years time, there will be any pure Malay, Indian, Chinese or Kadazan, anyhow.

Overhauling the DBP

I do not generally read Malay books. But here I am writing one. I find the Malay language has a nuanced about it that is both poetic yet clear. I am no expert in the language but I do find it appalling that after 50 years of independence, we are still struggling to make the language relevant.

I personally love the idea of the Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka: A repository of Malay culture and literature, the guardian of our national language and the pioneer of Malay lexicography by coming up with new words and stamping its approval for new phrases. There have been many attempts at instilling pride in our language but somehow it always fell short and we as a race and a nation feel inadequate at times to handle deluge of information and cultural stimuli which are far more fluid and alluring than our own.

So what do we do?

The government will write its letters in Bahasa Malaysia and its audience will attempt to decipher it into some other language, foremost English. There was a time where Malay was the lingua franca of the region. That time has passed. We do not speak the same tongue as our neighbour, Indonesia. In fact, due to differences in dialect and geopolitics our languages have less similarities than we dare to admit. Add on to the fact that in Malaysia itself, people in the north and south, east and west coast and for that matter the far flung regions of Sabah and Sarawak, speak very different Bahasa Melayu.

By law, companies seeking listing on the Stock Exchange of Kuala Lumpur are required to issue prospectuses in Bahasa Melayu which hardly anyone reads. I agree it provides an avenue for the vocabulary of the language to grow and provide good employment to quite a few people in the industry. But as far as real usage and real impact on the language, I do not see it.

Local television stations air shows and advertisements in multiple languages in order to capture every market possible. Heaven forbid if they should offend any particular ethnic minority by ignoring their mother tongue or the national language.

I fear however that the language may be dying or it may evolve into a creole like English and fail to preserve its authentic meaning. But then again, the meaning of words is forever changing. But as custodian of a potentially dying culture, the DBP must act now to make itself more relevant. Thus, I propose we do something different. Something radically different:

-We should restructure the Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka into something like the British Council. There should be a DBP in every major city in the world.
-We should insist that all foreign students learn the basics of the language (provided free by the DBP) before commencing their education in this country.
-We require all foreign content must be translated before dissemination to the public, exempt only local firms who publish such content. These will include films and books for a start.
-All Bahasa Malaysia works in literature, film and performance arts will not be censored but must be rated by the respective guilds, e.g. the Screen writers Guild, the Theater Professionals Guild and endorsed by the DBP.
-DBP to oversee and manage foreign content, in the end the Censorship Board shall cease to exist.
-National service should include a stint as a Bahasa Malaysia teacher, the DBP will play a crucial role in the deployment and outsourcing of this function.
-Applicants for permanent residence must have basic knowledge of the language. DBP again will be the arbiter of standards.
-DBP should compile Top Ten Books of the Year and recognise local talent in literature. They do not even have a Top 100 Malay Books.
-DBP should organise more writing competitions with bigger prize money and glamour. The aim is to discover a nobel prize nominee if not winner.