Bali oh Bali

My advice to anyone going on a holiday is to lose their handphone. Sure, it is somewhat inconvenient. But you will be free! Though I didn’t plan to do it. I left my phone at the X-Ray machine. After the initial grief of losing my so-called lifeline everything turned out OK. Plus I was determined not to let it ruin a perfectly awesome holiday. Potentially.

Bali is awesome and Matahari Bungalow was a lucky break for me. It had an awesome pool and bar. The first night (Saturday) was just relaxing at the hotel. I mistakenly thought that I had surfing lessons on the next day (Sunday) at 11am. So, I waited and waited until 1030am. Good thing I called Bali Learn to Surf to confirm.

In the end, I hanged at Kuta beach. There were way too many tourists. But everything was new. And you know how much I love new things. My hotel was at Legian. The most touristy part of Bali. Luckily with my tan and passable Jakarta Bahasa, I blended right in with the locals. So, no one really harassed me to buy their tour packages and trinkets.

It was just like Phuket except I actually knew what the locals were saying. I refused to buy anything in town. Instead I went shopping outside of the Kuta-Legian-Seminyak area. Having nothing to do on Saturday I just once again lazed around at the bar-pool. It makes me wish I had one of those at home. Sigh! I was also rather concerned that I won’t have enough Rupiah to last me the 8 days. So, I racked up the credit card bills on souvenirs and the like. I figured I could hire a driver for 3 days. And spend 3 days surfing. That afternoon, I actually went looking for a mosque in the most Hindu part of Indonesia. Ironic.

Sunday 1030am my scooter driver Adil arrived to pick me up for my first surfing lesson. Good thing I watched some YouTube videos. Arif started with some basics on the do’s and donts. Then all of the sudden we were in the water. It wasn’t too deep. Thank goodness. I had visions of drowning. It was supposed to be a 2.5 hour lesson. But I was exhausted within the hour. I didn’t want to have a sunstroke on the first day.

Monday 830am I meet Ketut, my driver, who I managed to grow attached to in a week. Sigh! Our first stop was the Barong dance. The costumes were amazing. But it became rather x-rated near the end. Which I found disturbing. Then to a Batik making place which I was mildly intrigued by. I bought a ton of over-priced sarongs. But it was a relief to be able to charge it to my credit card. Then, a silver and gold smith village. I got a nice pendant for T. I had lunch at the lookout point of Mount Kintamani. It was very nice and cooling: a welcome change from yesterday’s hot day the beach.

Then off to a coffee grower. We had fresh coffee, ginseng coffee, cocoa and ginseng tea. I was worried that I would not be able to go to bed tonight. I could not afford to buy the kopi luwok. Apparently the coffee is harvested from the luwok, a muscrat of some such mammal who eats the coffee fruit and poops the bean out. It is then cleaned and processed into the most expensive coffee. USD45, methinks. Ketut rolled me a cigarette, which was too strong for words. Two unfiltered puffs, and I felt dizzy. I hardly made it a quarter way through and had to concede defeat before the seventh drag.

When Ketut and I finished our day, it was almost 6pm. Man! Holidaying is hard work.

Next day, Tuesday 830am, we were off to a market in Bedegul. Very near Lake Bratan. I got a discount at the entrance because they assumed I was Indonesian. Ketut and I had cheap bakso ayam by the lakeside. But not before climbing 3 stories to a hillside mosque. Apparently, there is a strong Muslim community in the mountains. Our next stop was Jati Luwih, with its unique terraced paddy fields. A couple more Sampoerna on this slope overlooking the rice fields. Suddenly, a strange white man parked next to Ketut’s taxi, jumped out and snapped a picture then took off in his car again.

The main event for the day was the famous Pura Tanah Lot. It was low tide when I arrived. Though we could not go into the temple itself. Obviously, I was too early for the sunset. In any case, it was rather cloudy and I was somewhat tired.

Wednesday 830am was more surfing. I overcame my fear somewhat of drowning. And actually enjoyed my second lesson. I was rather pleased with myself as I didn’t fall as much. I was actually riding a couple of waves. The waves were bigger somewhat. I was really tired and fell asleep at the hotel. Later that night, I went to have drinks in Seminyak. Couldn’t decide on a taxi for fear of not having enough money. Walked along the beach again to the hotel.

Ketut came a bit late on Thursday: after 9am. Went to Nusa Dua. Lots of watersports but no beach. It was a bit of a disappointment. Because I thought I could lepak as I didn’t want to be rushing all over the place on my holiday.

Worried that I didn’t have enough souvenirs for people, the previous night, I called up my sister who arranged for Maybank to call me so that I can activate my ATM card for use overseas. Now that I have some mullah, we went to Ubud. I did more shopping. Sheesh! It is an amazing place. Quite touristy but I kinda liked it. I am always fascinated by markets. After, we went to see the Tegalalang waterfalls. Had a smoke overlooking the falls. It was terribly relaxing. Then off to Uluwatu. It was this cliffside temple. They made you wear a sarong if you were not decently coverered. They even gave me a sash to put around my waist. The significance of which I cant recall. The monkeys were trained hostage takers: warned my guide Ketut. So no valuables like sunglasses etc. They would snatch em and trade you for snacks. Apart from that the monkeys were pretty adorable. I walked around the Kecak dance theatre. Alas, I was too early: the show starts at 6pm.

Went to a club that night and had drinks.

The following day, I was going surfing. I planned to spend the last day just lounging by the pool some more or get a massage. So, it was my last day with Ketut. I grew pretty attached to him. It was very Shakespearean parting. I was starting to miss him and Bali. I went to withdraw more cash and change currency so that I could pay Ketut. That was when I ran into Abbie and her mum Yvonne. They were about to have dinner and invited me too. Dinner was spicy Indonesian chicken. After dinner, I had to practise my play. I asked Abbie to join me at the pool to run my lines. I realized that I really need to work on my lines. Sigh!

Friday was more surfing. They said I would be using the hard board. But that didn’t happen. I still used the soft board. Sigh! I was getting the hang of it. But as I said, I feared drowning and I didn’t catch much waves because I was plain tired. Afterwards, I went to bed. Didn’t do much until night time. Went to another club that night and tried to finish my rupiah. That turned out to be a bad idea because I forgot all about excess baggage and airport tax etc.

It was a nice break. Now I am worried about my play. Also that I may not be have a job at the end of the year. Sigh.

Lost in Langkawi

As usual PS loves to cut it close. He arrived just in time for the 8.45pm train. The queue was long but brief. We got on and I showed him the ropes since it was his first time on a train in decades, i.e. where our bunks were (both top and mine was right across from him), where to smoke (between the coaches) and where to pick up girls, i.e. the cafeteria (though tonight's selection was dismal: no cute office chicks only makciks and pakciks).

Soon as we got settled, the train started off. We had a drink at the cafeteria where PS bought some grotesque looking nasi goreng then went back to our seats/beds. But not before discussing our approach to Langkawi. We had 2 days and no real plan- as usual. We spent some time looking at the brochures and maps we got the previous week. In between I told him about the vaginal reconstruction by Muslim girls in the Middle East, how difficult it is for people to get laid in the Middle East and thank god we live in Malaysia – Not that getting laid is that much easier. Sigh.

On the way back to our bunks, we passed by the First Class cabins. PS hatched a scheme to open a mobile brothel/ sex salon for couples: “Is your relationship off the rails? Let us put it back on track.” PS says: These cabins would be perfect for trysts. Though he didn’t exactly use that word. Amazingly, I could see it too. Equally amazing was that the train left Sentral on time. I tried to sleep but was too excited about our holiday. Whereas PS continued reading Confessions of an Old Boy.

We arrived at Butterworth Station almost on time at about 6:00 a.m. the next day Saturday.

I had texted KBW a few days earlier about meeting us at the Penang jetty. Apparently he had returned to his hometown Penang just a day earlier. We were supposed to meet KBW at 7:00a.m. Even though we had reached Butterworth on time we had to wait another hour before we could board the very old ferry to Penang. I was getting anxious. How the hell are we going to make the 8:15a.m. ferry to Langkawi at this rate?

The crowd started coming in and by 6:45a.m. we were on the ferry to Penang. As we got on: KBW texted me: Get on the ferry that says Pulau Langkawi. He could have told us earlier. I was too tired and could not be bothered. I just assumed that the universe will sort it out. I told PS that as soon as we get to Penang we must check the availability of tickets for Penang-Langkawi. Good thing we called KBW because he knew exactly where it was. Sort of.

After buying the tickets KBW bought us breakfast: The Best Roti Canai in Penang. While I was quietly stressing out about the cleanliness of the warung, PS and KBW talked about their careers and the economy. Why the Best of Anything is always served by a smelly drain in Malaysia?



It was almost 8:00a.m. and we needed to get a move on to the Langkawi Ferry. While sauntering leisurely across the road to where he had parked, KBW turned to me and said, Faster! Malaysia, the Land of Ironies. Or is that just Penang? We arrived just in time at the gate to be greeted by the ticket dude that totally looks like Alfonso Poon. PS confided in me: Does KBW look bigger? A few years ago, I could have taken him down. But now I am scared of him. He seems bigger. I said: Maybe that is what being a dad is all about. Or words to that effect as I plotted how to use this new and essentially useless piece of information offered by PS.

The ferry ride to Langkawi was horrible because we were the last people to board and therefore had the worst seats. The seas were not that rough but everybody seemed to want to throw up. One family (hereinafter “the Vomits”) actually did. I mean the whole family hurled except for the father who sneaked off upstairs where it is less choppy. It was a lousy experience as half-way through the ferry ride we were being tossed up and down many times until I could actually taste The Best Roti Canai in Penang coming back up from my stomach.

It was a long trip: almost 4 hours. The poor guy sitting next to the Vomits was reading a book until he could not ignore that awful sea-sickness. His choice of remedy was to alternately balance the book on his forehead and nose while leaning back. PS was fast asleep. At one point, I also dozed off and fell asleep on PS's shoulder. Which woke him up. Thank God I was leaning the right way or else I would have been eating Mrs Vomit’s ass. And she had a lot of ass.



We finally reached Langkawi and used old-school trick photography to take pictures of the Eagle at the Langkawi Park. One to make it look like it was sitting on my head and another of it perched on PS’s shoulder. Then we rented a car: an old Iswara. The best idea that PS had so far apart from the Railway Brothel. You really need a set of wheels to get around the island.



After having assured the owner that we’ll take care of his car he passed us the keys. Soon as he left, PS said: Let’s rev this baby! With those knightly words, PS drove us out to the most boring adventure anyone ever went on: trying to find a petrol kiosk. We found one after getting a bit lost and promptly filled her up. Afterwards, we decided to head for Pantai Cenang. We chilled there for a while.

By then we were really hungry, so naturally we went to the Duty Free Zone to buy more alcohol and cigarettes. We decided to look for the cable car place. Being expert map readers, we ended up very near it. In our hunger and exhaustion, we decided to go to the Telaga Tujuh waterfalls. Of course before going swimming, it is always important to have a heavy meal. And you should always line your stomach with some booze before lunch. Or maybe that should be the other way around.

That would explain the detour. Instead of turning left towards the waterfall, PS had this great idea of going to the highest peak in search of pristine waters. Luckily Oceanic Flight 815 did not have PS as their leader because we ended up in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately the lady at the gift shop said there were no tigers in the jungle only short buffalos. As we ascended higher and higher into the mountains, my shirt became completely wet. That was when we ran into Jack, Kate and Locke. Plus a lady whom I assume was another character to be revealed as the mastermind of the whole Lost in Langkawi episode. Jack told us that there was nothing up there. I was mildly disappointed but I figured, we could still go skinny dipping at the waterfall when we get down. PS was not very keen.

While we were crossing this particularly treacherous 2 feet-wide river of a depth of about half a foot, I suddenly lost contact with one of my slippers. It floated away down the rocky stream as I helplessly looked on while PS yelled at me to chase after it. Just as I thought it was a goner, it then swirled back around into a pool taunting me to reclaim it like the Prince from Cinderella. And like Cinderella reclaimed it I did.



Finally we reached the waist of the hill where there was an actual signboard that says: Waterfall This Way. Being Malaysians, we naturally ignored it first time around. As usual, the place was damn dirty. But I finally had the chance to show off my speedos. We swam a bit until people started jumping from boulders into the really shallow pools. Insane!

On our way down, we were greeted by hot chicks and again monkeys. PS had earlier taken some pictures of them (the monkeys) vowing to photoshop me into compromising positions with them. The primates are quite vicious but cute. I would really love to bring one back. Which PS finds disturbing and stares at me in disbelief followed by a simian-like laughter.



We then checked into the Bella Vista Hotel.

After a bit of TV, we went for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I was disappointed with the small portion of the beef tortillas initially until I realised that the beef had not arrived yet. We drove around aimlessly afterwards trying to find women to chat up. We had no clue where they were. So we ended up going to the Westin Resort and Spa, which overlooked the sea. It would have been a nice view if it weren’t so dark. A couple of B-52s later, I was ready for bed. PS kept worrying about the budget. Which had been blown the minute I ordered the first batch of B-52s methinks.

The next day, we were more organized. We had the complimentary breakfast at the hotel which was so bad, they should have paid us to eat it. Plus, the staff there were so sour-faced. And decided to head to the Cable Car Place. We both agreed that it was a cool distraction/attraction. It is probably the only thing that Mahathir built right. PS insisted that if we had soldiered on with our hike yesterday we would find ourselves at the peak of the Cable Car Place. Yeah. Riight. This from a guy who could not find the goggles hanging from his neck. Sigh.



Some interesting highlights:

- A makcik giving motivation to other old-timers who were panting all the way up some of the steps leading to an observation platform. “Tarik nafas!’

- A park employee going on a completely uncovered cable car. It looked like a metal bathtub hanging off the cables with a piece of slim metal!

- A bird hitching a ride on the cable as it pulled it towards the peak - Look ma no wings.

- A giant teddy bear that has been sat on by many a tourist.

- Foot reflexologists at the ready to serve you at the highest observation deck.

- Jumping off the cable car at the last minute to the first observation deck. And jumping back on!

Thereafter, PS decided that we need to do some kayaking. I was not too keen as it seemed like a lot of work not to mention water. Plus it would mean combining my fear of depths, lost at sea, getting a cramp in mid breast-stroke, eaten by sharks and being lost without a paddle. By the way, that was apparently a horrible movie. We drove around trying to find a place to go kayaking. I suggested going to the Datai and Andaman. These were damn posh places. PS felt threatened. Understandably because his whole life was falling apart. Well, I exaggerate, only anything he owned that has zippers. Those zippers are falling apart. He figured that he could get a sewing kit to fix the matter. I said we could find one at the hotel Reception. He was not convinced. The poshness of the place was intimidating.

I told him not to worry because I could fake a posh English accent. I could ask the Reception for a sewing kit. I would tell them that PS was my tailor. PS retorted as I rehearsed my English accent: Yup. (pretending to be me with his best English accent) He is going to make me a suit (dangling an imaginary sewing kit).

After driving all the way to the very secluded beach resorts, we were pretty low on fuel. That reminded us that we needed to fill our tummy ourselves. Our plan was to get to Pulau Dayang Bunting which has a bottomless lake, according to Peksan. I was torn: on the one hand, I love lakes and on the other: I hate bottomless anything, except those nice juice drinks at Chili’s. I made a few phone calls to book the island trip and it was decided that the Pulau Dayang Bunting death-wish should be attempted the next day.

As we were running out of petrol, PS thought it would be a good time to look for the Langkawi Waterfalls. We did not manage to find it. Instead we found Temurun Waterfalls. I concluded that the Langkawi Waterfalls had dried up since it was man-made. I reckon the only time it worked was probably on launch date. The Tumurun Waterfalls was much nicer than Telaga Tujuh. I wanted to go skinny dipping, But PS again said that he was not keen. I think I’m wearing him down. TW was the highest in the country and you could climb up the rocks and make a big splash. We were kinda early and had the place to ourselves. So we took turns pretending we was David Craig.


Daniel and Craig.

Later we were joined by a Middle Eastern dad and his brood of good-looking young boys (hereinafter “the Qaeedas”). Then a group of Mat Rempits minus their annoying motorcycles came and started doing backflips into the pool. We were there very briefly. One minute Mr Qaeeda was yelling at his kids in presumably Arabic: Get your ass in the water, it is not that deep. Be a man! The next minute he was yelling: Get your ass out of there or I am leaving you here. We left at the same time.

Soon we were back in our car. While trying to look for petrol we got distracted and ended up at the Hot Water Springs and Kota Mahsuri. The latter theme park about the famous Mahsuri Legend was pretty crappy though somewhat informative. We thought we would give it a skip because it looked boring. Besides, Teresa was in a play in the titular role of Mahsuri. I figured we could get her to act out some scenes when we get back to KL.

However, it was the former attraction - Air Hangat Langkawi - that totally sucks. I had to use the toilet which had obviously been used. There were floaties and when I flushed the toilet started to overflow. Argh!!! They should have put up signs stating that the place is closed for renovations. All they had were some really crappy souvenir shops. I was so looking forward to some hot spring action. This was the 1,943rd most devastating disappointment in my life. But I still took it hard. PS tried to console me. But it was no use. My Life was ruined. Then I heard a voice deep inside me saying: There are more important things in life, like petrol.

We found a petrol pump and in an inspired move, PS bought Twisties. Yummy. We drove around and decided to go to Pantai Cenang. We had a pretty decent lunch there. Decent meaning cheap but sorta good. We walked along the beach cruising for babes. PS chatted up one of them while I went to the toilet. Or maybe he just overheard one of the babes being chat up by the beach bums there. We decided to have some drinks as it was getting way too hot. The Lyla Café was a nice place that played reggae. I decided then that I was moving to Langkawi.

PS went swimming while I chilled at the café. Coming back he chirped happily: You should swim while drunk. It is more fun. Sigh! I hate beer. Then the moment that PS has been waiting all his life. Or maybe just this trip: Death Kayaking. I told PS whatever it is he is paddling in front. PS asked Why? I said: So that you can’t see me Not paddling. PS was not amused: Bugger.

We rented a kayak for RM30 per hour and PS convinced me that we should try to paddle to another island about 1km away. It did not sound like a good idea. But I didn’t want to look like a wimp. So, I agreed. Though the crying mid way did little to dispel that. I find steering damn difficult in those waters. I was damn scared that the kayak was going to capsize. But we made it to the other island safely. The paddle back to the Pantai Cenang was easier because we were not going against the flow. It actually felt fun. But I knew it would not last long because I was getting tired. And from where we were, I could not tell where should we land. It turns out we were about 500m off course. Brilliant!

The kayak people praised us for our strength and speed. I think we did okay for city-folks. PS and I did a post-mortem:

- We were not very coordinated but we got the hang of it.

- It hurts when your fingers get squished between the paddle and the kayak.

- It would have been brilliant if we could have landed on the other island except it was too rocky to get the kayak ashore.

- We made pretty good time.

- I am still scared of deep water.

We hung out at Pantai Beach until the evening. Swimming until night time. That was nice. We had dinner of BBQ chicken and squid at Lyla’s Café. Then we went back to our room supertired.

The next morning was like Rush Hour minus the kungfu moves. We got up at 8:00am, packed, bathed, checked out, had breakfast at the hotel and drove to Awana Porto Malai- the pick-up point for the island hopping- all in one hour. We had 3 islands to go to.


The grandfather and proud father to-be.

The first was Pulau Dayang Bunting which as the name suggests looks like a pregnant maiden. At the island there was a lake. One fella said to his male friend: Yay! Now you can get pregnant! Intimating the legendary powers of the lake. Upon arriving, I immediately stripped down to my speedos. There was a gasp when I did that. I take it the makcik was impressed. It was pretty scary knowing that the lake was more than 10m deep. I dare not swim too far from the edge. PS kept trying to get me to rent a life jacket so that I can swim to the middle and enjoy the splendid view from that vantage point. Did the crying on the kayak not convince him I dislike deep water?



The second island was not really hopped on. We just kind of sat in the boat while the boat driver threw bird feed on the water. The attraction was the swarm of eagles that would swoop down and grab the food off the water. Eagles are pretty majestic even though these looked kinda small. The biggest had about a 5 feet wingspan. It was quite a sight. It felt very Discovery Channel.

The last island was like a nice break. We watched our boat driver go para-sailing. While some South Asian dude got chased by a very vicious monkey. He was screaming like a girl. It was highly amusing. We also made a new friend. The white kid from England needed a ride to his car from Awana Porto Malai. He said the car was in Pantai Cenang. Naturally we listened to his directions. It was very colonial of us. We ended up getting lost, of course. But in the end, I took charge. It was very symbolic: A Chinese (PS) was like driving the car (the economy) as instructed by the Englishman and in the end the Malay guy (Me) had to tell them to fucking listen to him to reach Pantai Cenang (independence).

After we dropped our new acquaintance off, we went back to Lyla’s Café. I really liked that place. We were going to leave soon and I was beginning to miss the place already. We could not change our ticket from the 5:15p.m. to 2:30p.m. So it was once again cutting it a bit close. After a shower we headed to the jetty to return the rental car and board the ferry back to Penang.

This time the boat was bigger and no one threw up. We watched the sunset on the top deck. A couple of foreigners were already drunk when I went up while PS slept. When PS joined me, they were dancing and singing. One of them was a fat dude doing a pole dance minus the pole. It elicited smiles, giggles and heckles by those present. PS shuddered.

We reached Penang at 8:30p.m. Our train was scheduled at 9:45pm. That meant we had to get to the ferry to Butterworth quick. It was so Amazing Race. We started walking to the other jetty for the ferry to Butterworth. It was about 500m away. KBW had lied. He said it was 1km. Good thing we did not take a cab. After a while, we could see the jetty and started half-running towards it. It turns out we were going to wrong way. We were headed towards the entrance for cars. Fortunately an old lady put us back on track by yelling something in Hokkien. I didn’t wait for PS to translate and started rushing towards the other direction. As we neared the ferry, people started running. PS thought he should too. I managed to catch up. One second later, the ferry moved. PS: We are not moving silly. That is the other ferry. I am always getting fooled by such optical illusions. After 2 minutes, we really did.

Yay! We made it in time for our train. It was kind of anti-climactic in the end though because the train was late by freaking 2 hours! We finally reached KL safely at 11:00am. After a cab-ride to my place, I drove PS back to his apartment and we watched Shoot Em Up!

Conclusion: This holiday was hard work. Thank god I have another 8 hours to take a break from it before starting work again tomorrow.

Big Brother Is On Its Way

Why not have security cameras everywhere? Is it really an infringement of privacy? Probably. But if you can catch criminals in the act. Why not? If there were cameras everywhere, then you could basically follow the criminal from the scene right to their hide-out. People should behave accordingly in public.

I think there are several ways this system could be misused:

a) Snoopy people who want to stalk or gawk at you (if you are hot or a celebrity)
b) Criminals trying to understand your movement patterns and exploit it to their ends.
c) Marketing companies who want to track you down and sell you stuff.

I think Big Brother should be self policing based on the following:

a) The system requires traceable identification (like our NRIC) to log on and use. Unless you are a really good hacker, you can probably circumvent this. So let this system be hacker proof and any breach shall be treason and punishable by life imprisonment and/or civil prosecution to the nth degree. This should be a sufficient deterrent.

b) Your access to the system will depend on your tax bracket. For example, you can only observe those areas proportionate to your income. Perhaps a range. If for instance your taxable income is RM1000, you are allowed to view images from areas where the property values are RM700 to RM1300 per square feet, i.e about ±30%. The rationale behind this is to keep the riff-raffs out of your area who may target those in the higher income group or exploit those with lower income.

c) If you want access to those areas outside of your bracket, you will have to pay and the income therefrom should be put into a pool to be used for community development for the targeted area. Using the same example above, let’s say, an individual whose taxable income is RM1000 can buy time to look at feeds for areas worth RM600 per square feet. He will need to pay a surcharge that Big Brother shall contribute to the residence within coverage of that camera.

d) Combined with GPS in mobile phones we can pretty much track anyone for a fee. But the individual must be informed that he is being watched. If he is not doing anything illegal why would he object? Of course evidence culled from such a system shall not be permissable in family court or civil court unless it is related to felony or criminal cases. Hopefully, this will deter moral policing. Blackmail from its use can always be detected because the system is accessible only by individuals. Besides, it will deter people from committing immoral acts in public, like peeing or sex in public.

We have the technology to implement this, all it takes is political will.

An I-Phone for Our Guests?

Why not? Give all immigrants a GPS phone which they have to pay for. The same shall be their identification. The problems feared by governments and local citizens of immigrants are:

a) Lost job opportunities for local citizens
b) Immigrants becoming the majority and creating unrest
c) Terrorism
d) Citizenship issues when locals marry non-citizens

How would a GPS phone identification device solve these immigration issues:

a) There would be accurate information on the number and whereabouts of non-citizens.

b) When there is knowledge of these non-citizens, entrance fees and witholding taxes can be better enforced. Non-citizens shall be classified based on their income tax returns of their home country. Those that come from countries where there is no or incompatible tax systems will be classifiend under a separate class. Based on their classification, a rigorous tax/levy regime can be implemented.

c)These levies and taxes should be borne by the immigrant which will be deposited to HRDF for disbursement to qualified citizens. Why should locally operated companies pay for use of foreign talent? Firstly, this will discourage cheap and lower skilled foreigners from participating in the job market thus level the playing field for citizens who may not be interested or qualify the same jobs. Secondly, through training local citizens can upgrade their skills to perform more value added jobs (either locally or even overseas where such skills may be required).

d) If a foreigner is found to have entered the country illegally, his punishment would be to perform community service such as garbage collection until he has paid his dues. Thereafter, he can either continue as a legal immigrant or be allowed to return to his home country.

e) A record of his stay will be kept in a database. As long as he is a law-abiding citizen in his homeland and behaves accordingly in the country, the costs (in terms of levy and witholding tax) for his next visit will be reduced. To prevent the database from being tampered with, it is proposed that high security measures are institutionalised. However, if he has been in the country illegally before, he will have to pay a higher levy the next time he visits. This will encourage the immigrant to enter the country legally.

f)Illegal immigrants will not be detained in any facilities, instead they will be required to report to local police station periodically and will be electronically tagged and treated like a prisoner of war though still be allowed free movement. Alternatively, he may ‘released’ from his sentence through deportation which he must pay himself.

How much would this cost? I think in the range of RM1,000 per immigrant per year. Assuming that the number of immigrants at any one time is 3 million, this project may cost up to RM3 billion. However, this need not be foot entirely by taxpayers.

Let us look at the breakdown of the cost. GPS/phone/identification device: RM300. To be financed by the levy. Immigrant levy: RM1,000 per year. This will be used to pay for maintaining the infrastructure. For tourists, the levy is refundable.

A few questions remain:

a) How can we control immigrant population? The levy will deter those without financial means. Their ability to make or maintain a living will be another. Those who are not able to compete will obviously return to where they come from. Or deportation process applies.

b) So how many immigrants is too many? At present it is estimated that there are 3 million non-citizens in Malaysia. That is more than 10%.

c) Should there be perhaps a quota based on the GDP of the home country of the immigrant?

d) Can we effectively control such a large immigrant population?

e) How do we address inherent abuses in the system? This include the policing authority. Potential corruption can be address by letting the stakeholders be setting clear KPI to be met. For example, crime rates, traffic congestion.

f) What will happen if a non-citizen starts a business and employs only his countrymen?

g) Can the benefits of such a laissez faire system outweigh the negative impact on local employment and society in general?

But at present, not knowing the exact number of immigrants both legal and illegal is the most pressing problem which I believe this infrastructure hopes to address first.

The Futurist

I wish I was born in the future or live long enough to participate. A future where leisure was the common pursuit. I would like to harness the power of the Super Universal Quantum Computer.

I would like to use holodecks, have mind control over genetically engineered petcyborgs, converse with the Mind of the Universe. But still have actual physical activities such as surfing, badminton and dancing. Though according to the Matrix, we are probably trapped in some goo that tampers with our perceptions ergo our existence.

What would it be like to have an army in your own image with angel wings. What fun to ride on pegasus. Use voice activated passwords to unleash the torrents of our minds potential better known as magic incantations?

I could split myelf into 3 separate parts: The Virtuous, The Morally Depraved and the Limitless.

The virtuous would lead a life of meditation and prayer. The morally depraved could be downloaded into a clone of myself that I will forever try to subdue and control. Heck! Whole societies and governments would like to see that version of me dead. While the Limitless me would be enjoying Life to the fullest. Not because life is short. On the contrary, Limitless would enjoy existence, either corporeal or otherwise for many eternities. I could use cloning technology to replicate myself. To reinvent. To max out my dreams. Over and over many iterations.

Alas, here I am stuck at the computer when I should really be doing some work. Sigh!

My Career In Pictures

Book Club

I am reading Edith Wharton’s The Reef . I then realised that there is not much time left to read. There are millions of books out there that I will never have read. Sigh. Attempted to start a book club. Failed. Alright, semi-failed: we started it but never finished. I have decided to read the classics. So far, I have read Lew Wallace’s Ben Hur and currently half-way through Cervantes’ Don Quixote. I tried to read Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Twice. Failed. And that is the translated version. I really should make a list of books to read for next year. It is just a few weeks away. I need to make a lot of lists. I like lists. Books to read. Presents to buy for Christmas. Languages to learn. Business plans to write. Stuff to do before I die. Acquire new skills. Change the freaking world. Lord! This sounds suspiciously like a new year’s resolution. Which reminds me of Angela Chase (played by the strangely depressed but still hot Claire Danes) from My So-Called Life who wrote in her diary: “This new year I shall resolve to be… (tapping a pencil on her mouth and continuing) … less introspective.” Maybe I should do that.

Wan Azhar's Day Off

Had a day off from work today. Forced by my employers but I was very willing participant. So, I managed to kill off one more credit card today. I even made a list. Woke up really early too: 6.00am. Rode my bike around the neighbourhood. Lifted some iron. Then I went to Citibank and cancelled my credit card. It was somewhat liberating.

The year is almost over and interestingly I am still alive though everyday I am slowly losing my mind. Oh there it is. After the bank thing I did something crazy: I went to Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka. It was damn embarrassing to go there and not really knowing why I was there. Okay, I knew why I was there but it was kind of hard to articulate to Security what I wanted without sounding pretentious and stupid all at the same time.

Thank god I was in a good mood. Because trying to do the thing I wanted to do seemed to be hindered every step of the way. Or it could be perceived so to the untrained and demotivated. Which by the way I qualify almost every other day. Firstly, the road to KL is jammed. But we all knew that. Secondly, I was cutting it a bit close with the lunch hour. Any later and I could have missed my appointment with a very important but unknown entity at DBP. Thirdly, I could not get to the place because the roads were closed. I had to park all the way across the street near that spooky grave yard behind the ugliest building ever: Menara MAA. Next hurdle, I had to explain to the Security at Menara DBP, which by the way is even uglier and rather big, why I was there. As usual, they are not sure where I should go. So they sent me to the 13^th floor. In retrospect, it did sound ominous. No one was there. I wonder what is their business model. Then at last someone showed up who directed me to the 19^th floor. There again I was told to go to the 22^nd floor and eventually 11^th Floor.

By that time I had the hang of explaining what I wanted to do: Publish my novel. Sigh. See? It is so pretentious. They asked me a question: Is my novel complete? No. I want to know how do I get it published, sounding more stupid every minute. Plus I sound alien when I speak Malay. Sheesh. Finally, a lady came over to assist me.

Alright, here is what I must do: Finish my manuscript and submit to DBP. They will assess whether my work is publishable. If yes then they will help with editing. If not then they will return the manuscript to me. All this apparently takes up to a year. Sounds simple enough. She then gave me a pamphlet and contact details of an officer who organizes workshops for writers. I need help. In more ways than one. After that little adventure my walk back to the car seemed anticlimatic.

After, I tried to find a place to eat lunch which had wifi. Failed. So, I ended up at home and went to sleep. I feel like I wasted this whole day. Maybe I should continue writing that book…

Public Phones Vandalism

In 2002, the two then payphone operators in the country, Telekom Malaysia Berhad (“TM”) and Time Reach Sdn Bhd (“TR”), lost a total of RM48 million to fraud and vandalism. TR and TM operate 42,000 and 80,000 pay phones respectively. This means that for every phone they are making a loss of approximately RM393.

Personally, I think the shareholders of TM and TR should consider giving away handphone (which cost less than RM100 nowadays) to registered foreign workers and tourists. Make sure that everyone in this country owns a handphone. Then there would be no need to service these pay phones and mitigate vandalism and frauds. Instead, TM and TR should set up handphone recharging sites/booths at strategic locations. This will solve the problem of foreigners and tourists not having access to telephones in this country.

Secondly, TM and TR should set up kiosks at convenience stores such as 7-Elevens and petrol kiosks that allow free use of skype as an emergency tool. Without public pay phones, this will allow the other segment of the population to still communicate: those who forgot to bring their phones.

Third and finally, TM and TR should give away phones to lower income families. Using these phones, users will have to listen to a short advertisement before making their free call. This will cater to those who use pay phones because they cannot afford one.

In short, forget the stupid public pay phones, they are mostly eyesores and do not even work. So why bother? Even AT&T, the American telecommunications behemoth is getting out of this stupid business.

Teresa's Birthday

My camera died. So no more pictures. Organized a birthday party at Laundry again. Gosh! The music sucked this time around. Mainly because the DJ sucked. Sigh! Last year's was better. Happy birthday, Old Bitch! Still Sexy!

Beggars and Panhandlers

I would like to put an end to begging. I always wonder who these people are and how my money is going to be spent: Will it be used to pay for administration or directly in the helping of the needy? How will I know that this person is legitimate? As I ponder these questions, I feel pressured to give and when you give in doubt, you are insincere. Thus making the donation less altruistic than it should be.

I hate stealing of any kind, it robs you not only of material possessions but casts a shadowy cloud over humanity. It taketh away the sense of justice and mercy that the virtuous act of giving is supposed to uphold.

I have heard rumours of syndicates who use the disabled to arouse sympathy, of miscreants who feign incapacity to collect donations and of organisations who are fronts of criminal activity under the guise of religiousity and charity that fool the public. I have personally experienced individuals seeking donations who have been ‘endorsed’ by a letter from some authority. I often wondered why the government issue out such letters claiming the authenticity of these fund raisers, when tax payers have already contributed precisely to manage their welfare.

Therefore, I would like to put forward a programme to eliminate this potential menace by requesting:

1. The government to publicise its welfare programmes and encourage those who wish to help the needy nominate the candidate through proper channels.

2. The establishment of a Charities Commission to oversee the management of charity organisation and those seeking to solicit funds from the public. The proposed terms of reference of the Charities Commission may be viewed here.

3. To make public the names of all tax-exempt charity organisations and their Board of Directors. This task should be handled by a separate organisation (I dub it Charities Exchange) under the purview of the Home Ministry. Its function is to mirror Bursa Malaysia of maintaining adequate disclosure and accountability of the highest order. In conjunction the Society’s Act should perhaps be amended. Please post any proposed amendments below. The Standard Operating Procedure is also enclosed for public discussion here.

4. To cease and desist of issuing of letters on government stationery purporting to allow and support individuals to collect funds from the public.

5. The establishment of policies and rules for soliciting donations. Please refer here for the proposed policies and rules.

6. To criminalise panhandling and begging. The Commission should establish guidelines for handling such cases. For example:

· All donations must be issued with receipts.

· Fundraiser must introduce and identify himself before seeking donation.

· All donations must be accounted for and in a archival form.

· Only telephone, mail and email fundraising are allowed.

· Charity organisations must have Data Protection policies and standards to secure the privacy of its donors.

I believe this is an issue of great concern to our national security. If you support the same, please sign the attached petition. I would also be most appreciative if you participate in the discussion by providing your opinions and comments on the draft documents that will form part of this petition.

Proposed Terms of Reference for Charities Commission

OBJECTIVES:

1. Ensure that charity organisations are properly registered and managed professionally.

2. Create public awareness to give responsibly.

3. Handle complaints from the public on charity organisations and assist the commonwealth and collect evidence of mismanagement of donation funds.

4. Provide advice on best practices for charities.

5. Educate public on the importance of charitable donations to nation-building.

POWERS OF THE CHARITIES COMMISSION:

1. Make public its recommendation and reasons to deregister charity organisations.

2. Make public its recommendation and reasons to remove any director or employee of a charity organisation under the

3. Prepare and make public through an annual report of its activities

4. Conduct inquiries into public perception and opinions on charity organisations and volunteer activities to achieve its objectives.

5. Conduct training and forums to enhance the effectiveness and professionalism of charity organisations.

MEMBERS OF THE CHARITIES COMMISSION:

1. The Charities Commission will comprise:

a. The Chairman appointed by the Prime Minister/Home Minister.

b. The Chief Executive elected by the members;

c. The Treasurer assigned by Governor of Bank Negara

d. The Trustee(s) appointed by the Chairman.

2. The Chairman’s duties will be to act as figurehead and moderator for the decisions made by the Commission.

3. The Chief Executive provides the day-to-day policy and operational decisions.

4. The Treasurer reports to the Charities Commission on the collections and disbursement of Commission’s income and expenses;

5. The Trustee(s) are responsible for the various aspects of the running of the Commission and assisting the members to achieve the objectives of the Commission.

Proposed Operations of the Charities Exchange

VISION: Transparent giving by open standards.

MISSION: Provide the framework for general public to assess and evaluate charitable organisations and projects.

OBJECTIVES:

1. Register all charity organisations.

2. Act as depository of financial and other accounting records of charities.

3. Provide assistance in establishing charities to ensure compliance with international standards of financial and other reporting.

4. Publicise and champion the achievements of its member organisations.

MEMBERS OF THE CHARITIES EXCHANGE:

1. All charity bodies must register with the Exchange. This includes details of its management, affiliations, projects on hand, future plans and general mission and objective and modus operandi.

2. Members must submit quarterly or yearly reports on its activities to the Exchange.

3. The Board must approve register the organisation and publicise the main functions and purpose of the organisations within 3 days of submission.

4. Only charity bodies which have registered with the Exchange may collect funds from the public. Prior to collection, it must provide its fundraising targets for its project(s).

5. It may only disburse its funds in the manner set out in its charter or fundraising plan.

6. Charity bodies must submit electronically to the Exchange of its fundraising activities beforehand.

7. Re-direct all complaints it receives from donors on errant or misconduct by charitable organisations and their management to the Charities Commission.

Get Things Done

Why cant people get things done? It is an absolute mystery to me. When I say people, I mean me. There are apparently loads of things I need to do. But I am unable to do them. For instance, finishing writing a book. Or getting back into shape. Or start giving back to society. I am just fucking selfish, lazy and totally cheapskate. Sheesh. The exact qualities I look for in an enemy.

I feel that I am not reading enough. So, a bunch of us have started our very own Book Club. I have been watching way too much tv. TV is the bane of urban life. I am so glad that I have no interest in video games. Or else I would just vegetate at home. YouTube could potentially be another source of Life Sucking. I could not believe I spent an entire day watching YouTube 2 weeks ago. OK. I exaggerate. It was only half a day. But I spent the other half a day talking to my friends about the genius of Ellen Degeneres and Russell Peters.

Maybe I need to have a daily Things To Do. Like I used to. Damn. My Life is just wasting away. Oooh. Just thinking about it makes me tired. Sheesh! What is wrong with me? I think I have just topped this previous post.

Opernplatz

The first meeting was to discuss how the book club was to work. We met up at Secret Recipe, Taman Desa. I had cake. Yummy.

The discussion as usually wandered far and wide, including this spoof video of the Great Escape by Gwen Stefani. Among the books that were up for discussion include:
1. God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.
2. Perfume: The Story of a Murder by Patrick Suskind
3. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
4. 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (author) and Gregory Rabassa (Translator)
5. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
6. Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie
7. Gilead by Marilynne Robinson - which David will borrow from Limmy.
8. Animal Farm by George Orwell
9. American Gods by Neil Gaiman
10. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
11. The Shipping News by E. Annie Proulx
12. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides.


Since there were only 3 of us attending, we have decided to read 2 books from the above. Up for discussion will be Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides sometime in mid-July 2007 at a location to be decided by WaiPing. In the following month, probably in mid August 2007 we will be discussing Gilead by Marilynne Robinson.